Top Ten Lists

They may be banal; they may be obvious; they may amuse; and yours may be entirely different; But everyone has a go at this. Contributions are welcome! These are some of mine and some are the more entertaining lists off the web.

You know you're living in 2005 when...(this is funny reading it 6 years later!)

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home; you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10.You learn about your redundancy on the 10 O'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No 9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

No pun in ten did

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry, sir. Only one carrion per passenger."
2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins, for Pete sake. If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal."
9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him .....what? (This is so bad it's good...)--a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

The Most Momentous Days of the Last 100 Years

The World Almanac 2004 lists The Most Momentous Days of the Last 100 Years. The complete list follows:

      1.  August 6, 1945 -- Atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima
      2.  September 1, 1939 -- Germany invades Poland
      3.  June 28, 1914 -- Archduke Francis Ferdinand assassinated
      4.  November 7, 1917 -- Russian Revolution (October 25, Old Style)
      5.  September 11, 2001 -- Terrorist attacks on the U.S.
      6.  June 6, 1944 -- D-Day: Allies invade occupied France
      7.  July 20, 1969 -- Humans walk on the Moon
      8.  November 9, 1989 -- Berlin Wall opened
      9.  September 27, 1908 -- First Model-T Ford produced
     10.  May 14, 1948 -- Israel becomes a state
     11.  November 22, 1963 -- President John F. Kennedy assassinated
     12.  August 15, 1947 -- India and Pakistan win independence from Britain

To tell the truth, you may not be curable. Some leading experts on procrastination admit that most of their clients continue to procrastinate. But many of my clients procrastinate much less by following this model.

Step 1: Decide if you really want to do the task. Maybe its benefits aren't worth the effort.
Step 2: If you want to do the task, do you want to do it now or schedule the darn thing on your calendar?
Step 3: Identify the moment of truth: The moment you're about to procrastinate. That moment occurs when you realize you should do the task, or when you reach a hard part. At that moment, say aloud, "Stop!" Literally pinch yourself for sliding back into your wicked ways, and make yourself summon the energy and discipline to get started. That's when you have to believe, "Right now, it's in my interest to be productive rather than to have fun." After starting, you'll find it easier to continue. If that doesn't work, proceed to Step 3A.

Step 3A: Ask yourself, "What's making me reluctant to do the task?" Your response may be: "It's going to be hard" or "I'd rather do something fun." Now come up with a solution:

Step 4: Commit to a small amount of effort, for example, three phone calls. Work at being efficient during that time. Ask yourself, "Is this the straightest line to finishing the task?"
Step 5: When you're finished, ask yourself if it was worth the effort to complete the task.
Step 6: Block out some time for pure, unadulterated, guilt-free fun.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like you were out all night but haven't been anywhere.
You get winded playing cards.
Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
You join a health club and don't have the strength to go.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
You get your hearing aid mixed up with the suppository.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't
Your back goes out more than you do.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.
You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there

Truly Madly Deeply                               Savage Garden
Original Sin                                          Elton John
First Love                                            Utada Hikadu
Don't dream its over                             Crowded House
The moon represents my heart               Teresa Teng
Bad Timing                                           Blue Rodeo
Every Breath U Take                             The Police
The Man With the Child in his Eyes         Kate Bush
Runaway Train                                      Soul Asylum
Wouldn't It be Good                              Nik Kershaw

(1) Have a sense of humor about the little things. Let the small stuff go.
(2) Take the steps whenever possible to improve your situation if you are dissatisfied. If you feel you are being treated unfairly, don’t whine about it and do nothing. The reason I am SO adamant about this not is so much that I don’t like listening to the whiner. I just know from experience that this never helps your situation and usually gets the person in more trouble or sets them up for even more bullying and other unfair treatment.
(3) Document, document, document (everything). Your accomplishments, duties, responsibilities, discussions, etc. That way if a problem arises, you have the paper trail to pursue whatever means you need to. Also helps when asking for raise/promotion.
(4) Don’t trust anyone at work with confidences and don’t get sucked into office gossip. Keep your mouth shut and your nose clean.
(5) Don’t beat yourself up over the things you truly have no control over. Accept that life is not fair and move on. See #1.
(6) Be professional and stick to the facts at work. Always relate everything back to how it helps the company or allows you to do your job more effectively. Show the utmost integrity in all business dealings and NEVER allow others to sway you on this. If it becomes a problem, report them and/or leave.
(7) Whenever possible, be yourself at work. If the culture does not allow this, then try to find an environment where you can. You will be happier and more productive in your work. Also, have (or get) a life outside of work. Don’t go home and drink away your sorrows or do other destructive things to ‘cope’. Get or pursue a hobby. Enjoy it.
(8) First and foremost, be internally motivated. So what if no one else pats you on the back? Do it yourself. A lot of us go through our whole lives struggling and feeling like we are nothing just because someone else didn’t give us that constant reassurance.
(9) Pursue the certifications and degrees you need to stay at the top of your game in your chosen field. If all the people at work that are getting the promotions have XYZ certification, and you don’t, get the certification/degree. It may not be ‘fair’ or relevant, but if that is what it takes, either do it or realize that you are not willing to do the work to get ahead and accept the consequences.
(10) And lastly, do a good job! That is what your employer gives you a paycheck for, otherwise they would not call it work.

Top 10 Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug

10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.